shoot down the stars

im sad and out of it. 139 lbs yesterday. i dont wanna talk to my friends. i dont want to associate with anyone unless they understand my eating disorder. cori and robyn are the only ones i feel like talking to.


i want to lose a pound a day and be 110 by the middle of august.


that's what i want.


in october, im going to visit my friends - caleb, kyler, and terrah. then ill probably be going back for a little while with terrah and ill come home by train. i want to be thin by then.

we're gonna have us a champagne jam.

high as a kite. not as skinny as id like. my mom and her boyfriend are going to "let" me get down to 110 lbs/BMI - 17.0.


im going to get skinnier.

today

a lot has happened since i updated last. i went to CPEP, which is an emergency psychiatric ward. i went because i was so sick of my bulimia, so now my dad knows and my mom has been focusing on it more, but i'm not getting better. i don't want to.


my stepdad moved out and went to nevada, which i'm happy about; we moved in with my mom's new boyfriend. i'm happier here. i feel like i can actually go into my own living room now. been playing skyrim.


i wanted to get better so now i'm up a few pounds, decided to go back and lose weight. 


i want my self control back.

snow

7 pounds in 7 days. i need to go run.

song to the siren.

i forget how much my ED makes me hate myself. i mean, i always do, but it makes me think judgmental, terrible things and i just get even more disgusted.


im not sure how much i weigh. my insurance kicked in a few days ago and i got put on: lamictal, abilify and lexapro. ive been very, very sleepy all the time and my appetite is pretty much non-existent. i felt like i was going to faint earlier and my heart was going crazy. i choked down some food. why does it taste disgusting all of a sudden? all of it, just ... gross. 


i need to exercise, but damn, i feel like im gonna drop if i try.


i wonder how much ive lost. ive been winding down on b/ping. i know the number will still be disgusting, so ill wait to weigh for like, ten days. i feel the obsession creeping in, the one where i scour the internet looking to see how much i can lose if i eat this much and exercise that much. ill spend hours looking, tweaking. 


a pound a day would be a dream.

california, show your teeth.

i go back and forth on things. restrict, binge/purge.


my sister was in a car wreck but shes ok. great even? her arms busted up but shes smiling and puttin' around the house like usual.


nothing happened to me, i wasnt even there, but ive been better. im gonna listen to my babies in red hot chili peppers and read.

morte et dabo.

11 cuts
not deep enough, never deep enough
havent cut in months
patrick will be so disappointed and he will be so very sad to see yet another layer of scars
everyones doing better
losing weight, getting fit, promotions, having fun, earning money
im stuck
i am stuck and i am sad and the only thing i can think to do right now is CUT
20 cuts
should i tell them
theyll just be disappointed
i want 30, 40, 50 cuts