shoot down the stars

im sad and out of it. 139 lbs yesterday. i dont wanna talk to my friends. i dont want to associate with anyone unless they understand my eating disorder. cori and robyn are the only ones i feel like talking to.


i want to lose a pound a day and be 110 by the middle of august.


that's what i want.


in october, im going to visit my friends - caleb, kyler, and terrah. then ill probably be going back for a little while with terrah and ill come home by train. i want to be thin by then.

we're gonna have us a champagne jam.

high as a kite. not as skinny as id like. my mom and her boyfriend are going to "let" me get down to 110 lbs/BMI - 17.0.


im going to get skinnier.

today

a lot has happened since i updated last. i went to CPEP, which is an emergency psychiatric ward. i went because i was so sick of my bulimia, so now my dad knows and my mom has been focusing on it more, but i'm not getting better. i don't want to.


my stepdad moved out and went to nevada, which i'm happy about; we moved in with my mom's new boyfriend. i'm happier here. i feel like i can actually go into my own living room now. been playing skyrim.


i wanted to get better so now i'm up a few pounds, decided to go back and lose weight. 


i want my self control back.

snow

7 pounds in 7 days. i need to go run.

song to the siren.

i forget how much my ED makes me hate myself. i mean, i always do, but it makes me think judgmental, terrible things and i just get even more disgusted.


im not sure how much i weigh. my insurance kicked in a few days ago and i got put on: lamictal, abilify and lexapro. ive been very, very sleepy all the time and my appetite is pretty much non-existent. i felt like i was going to faint earlier and my heart was going crazy. i choked down some food. why does it taste disgusting all of a sudden? all of it, just ... gross. 


i need to exercise, but damn, i feel like im gonna drop if i try.


i wonder how much ive lost. ive been winding down on b/ping. i know the number will still be disgusting, so ill wait to weigh for like, ten days. i feel the obsession creeping in, the one where i scour the internet looking to see how much i can lose if i eat this much and exercise that much. ill spend hours looking, tweaking. 


a pound a day would be a dream.

california, show your teeth.

i go back and forth on things. restrict, binge/purge.


my sister was in a car wreck but shes ok. great even? her arms busted up but shes smiling and puttin' around the house like usual.


nothing happened to me, i wasnt even there, but ive been better. im gonna listen to my babies in red hot chili peppers and read.

morte et dabo.

11 cuts
not deep enough, never deep enough
havent cut in months
patrick will be so disappointed and he will be so very sad to see yet another layer of scars
everyones doing better
losing weight, getting fit, promotions, having fun, earning money
im stuck
i am stuck and i am sad and the only thing i can think to do right now is CUT
20 cuts
should i tell them
theyll just be disappointed
i want 30, 40, 50 cuts

bring on the mo(u)rning

is it better to cut myself and see the blood and feel better or hold in this self loathing and helplessness for the sake of my boyfriend


IM SO FUCKING STUPID I SHOULD JUST DIE 


what do you do when you hate yourself this much but you cant do anything about it im so gross so gross so gross so fucking gross I WANT TO CUT i cant even talk to anyone at all because im just so worried about coming off as an attention seeker but it just fucking hurts so much to hate myself so hard i just hate everything i am and everything about me and im so stupid so fucking stupid and worthless and lazy and i want to just sleep for a very long time


im just a stupid fucking sex toy i really am just good for nothing there is nothing good about me and anyone who says otherwise is a fucking liar i am worthless i am scum i am the worst kind of person and i should do the world a favor and just disappear completely

bat country.

ugh omg. i had some boneless chicken wings, which was okay because i gave a few away. but then i had a taco and a bite of caramel apple empanada. im going to purge and just drink diet coke for the rest of the day. then exercise. its not a huge binge like i would have had maybe a week ago. im doing really well, honestly, with restricting. 


just got rid of it and now i have a headache. tomorrow ill do better. i wanna know how much i weigh without the water weight. i bet im in the 120s again, but i cant be sure. the smaller i get, the more i can breathe.


anything under 124 for me is... well, its still fat but i can deal with it. you know? i really want to see everything under 120. thats unexplored territory for me. i could be there by june.

spider8ite

yesterday was good as far as intake goes. i guess. i exercised. im sore because of that and i havent eaten in like 18 hours but bleh; the reason i havent eaten is because we really dont have any safe foods. ive been surviving on oranges and tuna, and i dont even like oranges; and the tuna is all gone. 


boo.


idk what im going to do. im going to eat today yes but im going to put it off for another hour or two.


i weighed myself today. im like... 10-15 lbs lighter than i thought i was, which is awesome but im still not entirely happy because the number is gross. ugh ive been standing in front of the fridge for like 20 minutes at a time trying to deicde what to eat if at all.


im glad im not bingeing and purging anymore like im REALLY GLAD but its kind of embarrassing and frustrating to spend so much time in front of the fridge nearly at the point of tears


i just want to watch studio ghibli movies and play pokemon. :'(

rex duodecim angelus.

i want legs that bow out like parenthesis but never touch; ribs that stick out, stark, like a shipwreck; collarbones i can hide behind; double digits on the scale.


-


ive had 300 calories today and i wont have any more. im going to burn this all off and more. im going to keep up restricting and exercising and purging, but i wont weigh myself for a while. i feel ... excited that im jumping back into this with such fervor, i suppose. it's been binge/purge or just binge for the last few weeks. now im starving until i feel the symptoms, until i shrink.


i missed this. its sad and pathetic and it ruins lives but i missed being in the thick of it, in the fray, in the chrysalis. its sick but its safe and its, really, all i want right now.

rat rider.

More puking, more laxatives. I'm really tired, and I think I've gained instead of lost. I'm probably much closer to my highest weight than I am comfortable with, so I'm terrified to weigh myself. I'm staying away from the scale until the space between my thighs begins to show itself, again. 

I can't believe I've gained so much from being 120 lbs. How did I fuck that up? I was underweight and so strong, so in control. What the fuck happened to me? Obviously, I just got fat.

Pat is losing weight, too. We're probably very close a far as our weight goes. I'm happy for him, very happy, because he's never really been skinny, and he's gaining a lot of confidence. I just need to be smaller than him. This need of mine makes me the worst person in the world.

All the more reason to starve, right?

Cyclic is the word.

at your enemies

Yesterday I purged everything and downed 10 laxatives. Maybe the last 5 times I took lax, it was my usual dose of 10, and it... Scared me each of those 5 times. I got really weak and shaky and my heart would hammer away in my chest, in an irregular rhythm. It happened yesterday, too, but not as bad as the first time when I thought I was going to die.


I'm scared to keep taking lax, but I'm equally as scared to not take them. I plan on keeping them stocked anyway. Because I'm stupid and desperate. I'm also tired and cold - isn't this what I wanted? This secret world of a cold bone cage, where I could shrink as I pleased? I'm angry and frustrated and self loathing when I eat and sad and lonely and split down the middle when I don't. I don't know where to find balance. I don't know if I even want to find that balance - right now, anyway. Maybe in the future I'll seek it out and I'll be happy. As much as I hate starving and puking, I love it. I crave it. It's self imposed torture.


Going to purge now.

we are nowhere and its now

Fat fat fat fat fucking fat, fucking stupid, fucking disgusting. I don't even know what to do about this. I just... It came on so suddenly today. Like I got hit by a mack truck of self loathing, bam, here I am stuck with these feelings. Yesterday it was just, "Don't eat, and if you do, puke". Now it's "you should fucking die because you're so fat". 

I'm going to curl up in the shower and figure out what to eat today, if anything.

unholy confessions.

I remember how it started, when we tied our arms together with searing hot chains. I was upset because of a binge and you asked me how I was doing. Initially, I gave the canned response that normally just floats out of every one of us - Fine. But then, I took it back. You know what? No. I'm not fucking fine. I just binged and I couldn't get rid of it and I'm fucking fat. The real details of the conversation are fuzzy, but I remember you saying, I'm not the best one to talk about this, all right? And it clicked for me. All the evidence was there, splayed out in front of me, and I never really connected the dots.


You gave me laxatives. I taught you the wonders of purging. We shrank, binged, grew, purged, cut, cried, screamed, froze, chipped away at our sanity bit by bit. Curled into ourselves and our microcosm of melancholy. We were simultaneously hungry for sustenance and emptiness. You were always stronger than me. You ran longer, cut deeper, restricted more, shrank further. I'd be a liar if I said I didn't harbor any jealousy for you. It's a sick sort of jealous admiration. Then when you flipped 180 degrees and started getting better... It was the same thing. I was buried up to my chest and you were freeing yourself. I remember seeing you for the first time since you had really started to recover, when things were beginning to look brighter. You were always beautiful in a sadbrokengirl sort of way, but this was just... Radiance. I hadn't seen a smile like that on you before in quite some time. 


Sad and sick as it is to say, I miss when we would huddle together in your room and confess. But I like the healthy you much more. You never deserved that madness and hurt. I hope you stay happy. I love you.